You're good & busy, how often do you really take time to think about you?
Matthew Porter • 8 March 2023
You're good & busy, how often do you really take time to think about you?
In my work as a coach for founders and executives I am struck by how consistently and wonderfully my clients are in service to others, to their org, to their family and to their community.
This week a client presented with both a career event and a life event coming up around the same time later in the year. The theme he wanted to explore was around planning and comms, what emerged brought a tear to my eye.
Inspired by Nancy Kline's wonderful Time to Think book I asked my client:
"what else do you want to say about what you are thinking and feeling about this theme?"
... my client shared some feelings of uncertainty, overwhelm and anxiety.
I asked the very same question again, my client paused... for some time... he was now really thinking... he said that he had been brought up to be strong, and that he wasn't feeling strong.
I asked the question... again... he took a moment and simply said:
"it feels so good to be thinking about me right now, to be listened to, to feel like I really matter here". Wow.
We briefly explored the idea of reaching out to someone outside of work and family to really talk with, to be listened to, to be given the time and the attention, to matter. I could see him deciding who that might be. All seemed good.
I then asked the very same question... again:
"what else do you want to say about what you are thinking and feeling about this theme?"
... he said he would like to figure out "how to feel more calm with what's coming up." I asked "what are the assumptions you are making that get in the way for you here"
He paused, initially confused, then shared his deep assumptions and strongly held beliefs around being strong, just needing to do it, the need to lean in and not dwell or over think it - after all that's what had got him where he is right?
I said nothing... the space was there for him to think... he said "I need to admit what 's really going on here." Wow.
I asked if he would be happy to share that level of openness and vulnerability with the friend he had previously thought about. And here comes the tear jerker, he replied:
"I am not happy to show the vulnerability to myself."
Partnering with people who can move from a theme around planning and comms towards completely raw, naked, truths is why I coach. That's life right there. We all want to be listened to. We all want to feel like we matter.
If this resonates with you let's talk
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Walking with my wonderful friend Krish Surroy through the woods at the end of the summer I was talking about my latest plans about how to serve my coaching clients in the new year. Having clocked up a few thousand hours coaching some amazing people, I was enthusing about the latest neuroscience based coaching book I had read, and the frameworks it offered, when my wise friend turned to me and said “blah, blah, blah”…. This kinda stopped me in my tracks, we turned to face each other – both noticing the silence, the woodland surroundings, the ground under our boots. Krish placed his hand on my chest and gently pushed me of balance and I gently staggered backwards. Then he quietly said “Matt, your strength is not in your head, it’s in your heart”. My head is a busy place, it thinks it is the boss. My heart is full of warmth and courage. I have an endless bookshelf, full of the books I think I need to read to continue to be a great coach for my clients… Maybe that’s not what my clients need from me? So, perhaps I should open my heart further in my coaching for the coming year and shift to a focus on helping people discover a warm confidence? A 'warm confidence' through the exploration of values, beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves; through the strengths, balance and choices we bring; by exposing the fears and saboteurs we all live with - including at times a restless mind in my case. How does the idea of discovering a 'warm confidence' in your work and in your life resonate with you?
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